Okay so it's November 11, at 11:11 PM. My last wish was pretty vague...all I wished for was to further my relationship with Justin...which it has gotten better. We're much closer now than we used to be but...I'm greedy. Nothing's changed in the past year...other than the fact that I want to be with him now more than ever. My dad told me last year at Thanksgiving that he thinks we'll end up getting together at some point. God, I hope so. I really do. I don't ask for much...my feelings in over a year haven't changed at all. I still want to be with him, no matter the cost. Please let me have what I want, just this once.

A girl can only take being rejected so many times before she just gives up entirely. I'm not sure how much more I can take before I reach that point.

Well that's what hope gets you. I'm so silly sometimes. I need to stop hoping for things that I know can't happen. Goodness Sarah get your head on straight for once and remember that it's not going to happen no matter what you may hope for or think.

I've become greedy for your attention. This is going to be a problem. It used to be enough just talking with you once every few days...now you're always on my mind and I want to be with you all the time. I swore I'd never be like this. This is going to be a problem.

Is it normal? The feeling of your arms lingers on me...for hours sometimes after you're gone. I've never experienced this with another person before. Ever. But I love it. It feels like even after you're gone...you're there with me.

So I've been reading these things online lately called "A Letter to my Future Husband."  There's also one from my journal while I was with Danny.  I realize now how much I compromised by being in that relationship.  There was little joy for how much I gave up during that time in my life.  I don't remember how I could have thought I was happy.  Well...no...that's harsh.  It's not like it was his fault in any way, I just don't think the two of us were meant to be together, but it was a long and difficult time before either of us realized it. Though I wouldn't trade that relationship for anything in the world.  It was such a valuable learning experience for me and though I don't think I was ready for a relationship at the time, I was a stubborn child and needed to learn my lesson.  In any case, I discovered the letter yet again online and proceeded to find more that many women wrote to their own future husbands.  I have decided to do the same =) Perhaps, if I direct this journal towards someone, as in my future husband, it will be much easier to update more often, because I want him to know what I was like before I met him, or before we were together.  I want to give him a window into the process that created the woman he would grow to love as a life partner.  We'll see how this little experience works. 
In any case it's late right now, but I thought I'd get the idea off of my chest.  Hopefully I shall continue this in short time. =) I have a new sense of hope that you really are out there...and I'm going to find you when the time is right.

It's been so long since I last posted. T_T I'm so sorry! There's been so much to write about! I'm back at UConn and things have been good so far. =) I'm taking Anthropology, Geography, Geology, Intro to Film, and Statistics.  I've gone to the past 3 late nights with Brittany and Justin and some other people and they've all been such a blast! (on a side note I can't believe I just said "such a blast")  I saw Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with Brittany, Disturbia with the group at late night, and last night the group saw The Dark Knight.  All were great and it's just so so so good to be back.  I actually got back a couple hours ago from seeing a concert for Eve 6 and Lights Resolved...I think haha. I can never remember their name >_< But both were so so so good and I had such a great time!  Justin saved our little group a spot in the very front about 5 feet from the stage! It was amazing.  It was kind of entertaining to see the people crowdsurfing and seeing the guys in front kind of freaking out and running over trying to grab them.  One girl actually went right over me and Brittany!  Haha I love college.
I'm a little nervous though because my dad is supposed to lose his job at some point next week.  I need to talk to this Steve Park guy in the library soon.  Hopefully he can set me up with a job for next semester or I may not be able to come back to UConn and I really want to stay here more than anything.  I'm working 6 days a week when I'm home, but I may ask Bobby to put me on in the afternoons too if he can so I can work a few more hours during the week.  I don't care if I have to pay for my room&board costs.  My mom has said she might take up a second job, but she already works way too many hours as it is and after all...it's me they're sending to school.  It's me they're paying room  & board for when I could easily go to the Waterbury campus for free.  It's just...well...I love it here. I hate to think that I might have to leave.
I can't leave all of my friends at UConn. Not after I feel like we're starting to really get along.  Meghan's really an awesome person and Justin is absolutely amazing.  Alyssa's so mature and kind, and Brittany is the perfect roommate.  Matt is such a big help to me all the time and just...everyone is so great here.  Oh! Speaking of friends! I met this really nice guy named Marc last night.  He's from the same high school that people from my mom and dad's church are from.  He actually knew a few people I mentioned.  He seems like such an understanding guy and I really enjoy talking to him.  I'm so glad we met ^_^ Plus he's in my film class so maybe we can study together at some point? But yeah...I don't want to leave.  People hold doors open for each other and say please and thank you.  The professors are usually pretty good...haha.
Apparently Maryann might be coming up for Late Night in two weeks.  Her car was having some problems and she was really worried that she might not be able to come.  I really really hope she can make it >_< We have so much to catch up on and it sucks not being able to see your best friend.  We got through two years of only seeing each other once every 6 months or so though, so it's not like I'm worried about us growing apart.  It just sucks...haha.
So I'm working on a new YouTube video.  This time I'm doing it based off of the Shout It Out meme that went around deviantArt a while ago.  I wanted to do one so badly, but I never was able to get around to it.  Not to mention my lack of skill with drawing so...yeah. A video it is ^_^ 
Next week is Valentine's Day.  Well...6 days actually I guess it is.  I've got nothing going on and for the first time I can remember...it actually kind of bothers me.  I've never cared for it before...but then...well I don't need to go into details =P I'm hoping Brittany and...perhaps Justin maybe, if I can convince him haha, to come see Twilight with me.  They're showing it at the theater at the Student Union and I love that movie.  I know it's cheesey and can't compare to the book but I don't know...I really really like it.
Well, I suppose that's it for now.  I know it's not a lot of details for the past, what, two and a half months? Lol.  Maybe I'll get around to making a longer and more detailed entry later.  For now, I'm just so so glad to be back at UConn.

So lately, I'm not sure what the reason is, but late at night after Brittany's gone to sleep, or sometimes even when I'm talking with her or someone I get this extreme feeling of loneliness.  I want to be happy for everyone.  It's great that things seems to be going well for them.  Someone seems to be finally noticing Maryann, Rachel's making progress with the guy she likes, Nicki apparently has another possible boyfriend on the way and Brittany's got her boyfriend.  When is it my turn?  I know, I know...I'm being selfish.  But I guess...it's just so hard to be happy for all of them, or even pretend to be happy for them with how I've been feeling lately.  So tonight I've been listening to this song, Wonderwall sung by Ryan Adams.  It's absolutely amazing, but it's such a somber song...there's really no other way to describe it.   And it got me thinking...who in this world will be my Wonderwall, the one who saves me and makes me feel complete?  This feeling of loneliness I've been getting seems to only be getting worse.  Sometimes it's almost like I can't breathe.  It feels like my lungs are collapsing in on themselves and all I can do is sit in my chair and wait for the feeling to pass.  Maybe it's just because I'm tired that it's this bad, but it does happen during the day too.  Not as bad by any means, but it does happen.  It happens when I'm with Matt, Maryann, or even Brittany.  Anyone...but you-know-who.  I know it's stupid to want someone in my life so badly.  It's pathetic.  But I want that security, that comfort...someone you can call or text at 2am when you just need to hear a comforting word.  I should enjoy being single while I can, but it's so hard when everyone else seems to finally be getting someone for them.  Anyway, enough whining for the night, I'm off to sleep before I get too depressing.  Night.

So I think my Betta fish is dying...all it does is float around. There's no filter or anything so I've been changing the water every three days or so. I recently put it in a larger tank, probably about 3/4 a gallon compared to the tiny jar he came in. I am nowhere near a pet store so there's no way for me to get medicines to treat him either. My goldfish died two days ago, so I'm wondering if it's somehow connected. Though they were in separate tanks, I used the same water for them when I changed the water. Perhaps it wasn't completely distilled and therefore it was really really bad for them? Idk..Well he just sits on the bottom of the tank now, kinda sitting there, or floats up to get water. He hasn't eaten in two days. I thought this morning maybe it was because he couldn't find the food in the larger tank but now I'm sure it's something more. I have set water aside so that I can change it tomorrow and hopefully he'll be getting better soon. The only thing I'm worried about is that he seems more pale, the fins are all clumped together. It looks like he's trying to breathe, even when he's under water, and he can't seem to stay upright. There's a white patch near his stomach, but it doesn't seem to match up with anything I've found online. Honestly, I'm not too upset, because how attached can you really grow to a fish that will die in a couple of years? I think I'm done with fish though. I've learned my lesson and I know I can't handle the responsibility of taking care of something so delicate. I'm just worried that this will somehow reflect on how well I take care of animals ...or...children in the future. Life is such a delicate thing that is very balanced. If anything, at least Yuji taught me this. The next time I write, he may be floating around in the campus sewers somewhere.

So today's my birthday! The big 18. Haha. Yesterday was pretty good. I had my class with Justin, lol. Oh, but let's not get ahead of myself. There is also Wednesday to talk about. So Wednesday there was a movie showing for the eco-friendly people by some club I guess. Into the Wild. So Brittany told me that Peter and Corey were going to see it and wanted to know if I would come. I told her I'd go and then asked if I could invite Justin. Of course she said yes because she wants to meet him. So I invited him and he agreed to come, though I'm not sure how reluctantly lol. So I took a shower at 4 after my Psych class and was getting ready to see Justin and meet up with him after his bio lecture when...as I have the hairdryer in my hand pointed at my head, the power goes out. Within seconds, all the girls on the floor are out in the hallway freaking out, and everyone's calling each other. Turns out the power went out all over campus. So of course I'm thinking "Oh darn, I can't dry my hair." So I just finish doing my makeup and hair and leave the dorm. Well when I was almost there, about 20 minutes later at 4:50, Brittany texts me and she tells me that she's at Peter's and Corey's dorm already because of the power going out. So I'm like "Well, okay" So I keep walking there thinking that maybe Justin will have waited for me knowing I was going to meet him there, but I was also afraid to get my hopes up. In any case, I waited there until exactly 5:15. He never showed up so I just gave up and headed over to Peter and Corey's dorm. We just kind of sat there until 5:30 or so when we just decided to head over to the Student Union. The entire way there I must have been so annoying to be around because, obviously, I was disappointed. Both in Justin to be honest, and myself. I can't understand why he just won't give me his cell phone number in case of something like that. But in any case, he hasn't yet and I'm sure he has his reasons. I just hope I can earn his trust soon enough that he'll give it to me. It's so incredibly annoying not being able to reach someone in an instance like that. You never realize how much you appreciate cell phones or even rely on them until something like this happens, lol. Well anyway, we watched the movie which started at 6 so it ended around 8:30. I wasn't feeling too well at this point, just because I didn't feel like pretending to be cheerful in all honesty. I told Brittany that I was just going to head back to the dorm, and when I got there, sure enough at 5:47, Justin had left a comment on my facebook asking when the movie was. I tried to sound as cheerful as I could manage when I told him that it had been at 6 and how I had waited for him, somewhat wanting him to feel guilty. Sure enough he did, and then I felt guilty for almost...feeling as if I manipulated him. Well in any case, I told myself that it was over and done with and I told him that it was just my natural bad luck that the power outage should happen right when we all had something planned. But onto yesterday now. I met up with Justin at Chinese class, and he made no mention of the movie. Obviously it had not been as much of a big deal to him as it was to me, as is natural. Why should he feel any guilt over a simple agreement to see a movie with a group of people he doesn't know? He told me the story of how he had forgotten his muffin and drink in a lounge at the S.U. but had returned half an hour later after realizing that they were gone, to find them untouched in the same place. We talked a little bit about anime and manga until Matt got there and we all talked a little bit. Turns out Matt is in my Psych class so he apologized for having never noticed me. Apparently he thought there was someone who looked remarkably like me in that class, but never realized it was me. Lol. Obviously he had no reason to apologize because it's a class of well over 100 people and I'm pretty quiet and insignificant or unnoticeable in that class. So finally the professor started the movie that he had said he would play so it was dark. I was paying attention to what was going on when I saw Justin moving out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to see him holding his pencil pointed at me or...maybe it was my hood. He immediately took the pencil back and said "Ah darn, you're too alert!" I have no clue what he was trying to do or why, but...I'm choosing to take it as a good sign that he feels comfortable enough with me now that he feels he can pick on me or joke with me or w/e it was he was doing lol. In English class today Jim actually talked to me for the first time. It was strange, but makes me a little more comfortable. I wasn't sure if we were to remain in our separate cliques from high school, but apparently we are allowed to talk lol. He asked me if I knew a few kids from school, and I knew two of the three he listed. He told me that they come down to visit him pretty much every weekend so he never gets any work done. I didn't really know what to say, so I just let him talk, but I'm glad we're on a talking basis now. That's good since we're in the same small group tutorial for English. So now it's officially Friday and I'm 18. Or...I will be at like 9 tonight. But Justin was the first person to wish me a happy birthday on my actual birthday :) Everyone else had wished me a happy birthday yesterday, obviously not wanting to forget or wanting to get it over with. But he actually waited until after midnight and said happy birthday to me :)

Wow. So I just got back from my first exam, sociology. I got so incredibly lucky. First of all, there were only 15 multiple choice questions, and then after that like 3 essay questions and one bonus. Brittany and I are both on kind of a high right now from the absolute awe of being able to do so well on it. It was ridiculously easy, and we only studied seriously from probably 2 to 2:40 last night. It was just so easy...that's all there is to it. So now I'm back at the dorm until about 11:30 when I'll have to leave for my psych lab. That's it I guess.

I have very few memories of 9/11 to be honest. I was only 11 (6th grade) at the time that it happened so I don't remember much, and you have to understand that I had the mentality of a young child. I remember them holding us in class longer than usual and telling us that we could eat our lunches in class. Some people told me later they watched the news in their rooms but we didn't get to. Later one, we all got called into the school gym and the principal spoke told us that several government buildings had been attacked. The concern on her face was so evident looking back on it, but I don't think any of us really understood the severity of the issue at the time. They sent us home on buses, but told us to stay inside until our parents got home and to watch the news. What did I do when I went home? I went out on my street and rode my bike. Though they hadn't given us any specifics of the attack, I remember looking up through the overhang of trees and seeing an airplane fly overhead. This scared me, though I had never been afraid of airplanes before, and I went inside for the day. Looking back on it now, I'm not even sure if that was physically possible, knowing how they told all airplanes to land. In any case, that's my count on September 11, 2001.

I found this video today and wanted to share it with others. I think it's a perfect description of the attitudes we should have.



On a bit of a happier note, I met this guy Justin yesterday in my Chinese class. He seems pretty cool and he likes anime! I'll have to go into more detail about it later, but I'm getting ready to go to late night with him. I might post later about how it goes, unless I'm feeling lazy.

 

I set up this blog for one reason and one reason alone. I want to write about my college experiences in total and complete honesty. I don't care who reads this or what they think. This is purely for myself.
Where to begin?
First off, this isn't exactly the beginning of college for me. Classes actually started about two weeks ago, on August 25th. So far things haven't been so bad. Sociology is pretty boring, but the class itself isn't too long so that makes up for it. My Psychology professor is amazing, though I feel like we really talk about nothing in his class. My Chinese Culture class is absolutely hilarious. I try to bring my voice recorder to every class simply so I can listen to my professor again and again because he's so funny. English is...boring, but then it always tends to be. Not to mention its' an hour and forty five minutes long. Taking AP English my senior year really helped me though, I think. I feel like I'm much more prepared for that class than I could have been. In any case, enough about class.
The college experience so far has been...interesting. My roommate Brittany is absolutely wonderful. She doesn't want to drink or party and wants to focus on school for now. Same thing with me. The university offers so many late night programs here, especially on fridays to keep students occupied, which we all know is to be a distraction from other "late night activities" but that's alright. They don't succeed. Brittany and I stayed up this morning just watching the drunk girls meander across the parking lot, and I witnessed a drug dealing. Haha, that was interesting. Hm...I'm at level 23 in World of Warcraft, if that's college related at all? Or, not that it matters. This is what I want to write about.
Last night I was thinking about Stephenie Meyer's story Twilight a lot and actually dreamt about it kind of. Except it was my own vampire story about a girl named Brittany (yes after my roommate) who lives her life as a human until one night she goes to sleep with a fever and wakes up as a vampire. Or...something along those lines. I know it sounds cheesy now but It was an awesome dream, I swear.
I suppose my final topic of the night/morning will be typical of most teenage girl rants. Boys. I want a boyfriend so desperately right now, and I feel pathetic for it. Normally I'll get up and preach about how we as teenage girls don't need guys to fulfill our emotional needs and all that stuff. But I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so ready to just be in a relationship. I'm so sick of dating a guy ony to get cheated on a week, or a year later. I've dealt with both and even though I've pretty much given up hope of being in a relationship that won't end up with me being cheated on, I'm still just so...desperate for someone to be in my life. Someone to walk to classes with, and stay up late talking to on the phone or online. I just want someone.
Well I suppose that ends my rant for the night. I'll try to update this as often as I can, I've never been good with journals or blogs, but I really want to record my college years and remember them later in life. I will try. Later!

(This is actually an entry from my old journal which I've decided to keep because it was such a pivotal moment in my life.)


This is going to be one of the hardest journal entries for me to write.  One of the hardest that I have ever written actually.  But...it affects my life so greatly, how can I not?

While on the mission trip my current youth group went on to Pennsylvania...I felt more spiritual and close to God that I ever have.  I felt him speak to me, I even broke up with Danny after two years because he wasn't a Christian (or at least...that was the excuse I used to explain it to my parents) But...the truth is...since then, I've slipped spiritually.  I've slipped farther than I ever could have imagined me slipping.  Lately, I absolutely loathe going to church. 
To be honest, I'd been planning to surprise Maryann at youth group for about a month now. I put it off two weeks ago because I said I had too much homework...but I really just didn't want to go to an extra two hours of church.  Every day I attend a church service I look around to see who I think is faking it.  Who is really going up to the altar just because everyone else is?  Who is praying but just spitting out words that sound good?  Does the pastor really mean what he says?  Does anyone honestly do their devotions every day?  I find myself thinking all of these things and more as I look around.
 I never imagined doubting my beliefs but I have silently done so for so long now.  I really didn't plan on going to church anymore once I got to college...but I'm afraid of my mom finding out so I guess I have to.  I barely ever touch my Bible anymore and WHen I do, my mind is only full of how do I know this is true?  I read Mar's entries and I think wow, it's really ...real for her. Why can't it be for me?  I want to say that it's because of the church I go to now that has pushed me so far away.  To be honest I think it's both really fake and ...real at the same time.  I like Cornerstone because the people there really care about each other.  Or at least ...the youth group I was with did.  But the church services themselves seemed...almost forced and somewhat fake.  Whereas at this current church...I feel that the people are all putting on a show for each other because it's what is expected.  They only go to prove to everyone else that they're the model Christian.
 I've come to have a very pessimistic view on Christianity lately and I don't know how to handle it to be honest.  There's no one that I can talk to that wouldn't be like "oh well you need to read your Bible more and talk to your pastor and get on the good side of God again." That's exactly what I don't want.  I want to avoid religion. I want to live my own life for once. But my friends....and my family...they all believe in something I just can't agree with anymore. It's what I was raised as, but it's not real.  It seems so fake and forced and....I find myself believing that the church is just full of a bunch of cheap actors.